


Tell Me Something

by ChapstickLez



Category: Rizzoli & Isles
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-09
Updated: 2012-05-09
Packaged: 2017-11-05 02:21:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/401385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChapstickLez/pseuds/ChapstickLez
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane decides she can't do it alone, and seeks out help to understand what she's feeling for her best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Summer

**Author's Note:**

> Rizzoli & Isles belongs to Tess Gerritsen, Janet Tamaro, TNT, and the host of writers, producers, cast, and crew who create the show we love to watch. I am not any of those people.
> 
> No actual spoilers, nor a set time frame. This one shot was written as a character study experiment.

**First Session**

"Why don't you tell me something, Jane." Arthur Adler was calm, relaxed, unhurried. It was annoying.

"Like this is a waste of time?" Jane Rizzoli rolled her eyes and looked anywhere else.

"You don't think that, or you wouldn't be here."

"... Okay. Um, I hate football," Jane confessed, as if it were a cardinal sin.

"Why?"

"It's too violent. I see people doing horrible things to each other every day, I don't need to watch it at night. Hockey too."

"Baseball?"

"That's okay. I mean, until the pitchers plain bean ball. Forget it."

"Hmm. No one generally dies in a football game."

"So?"

"Just trying to understand your rationale, that's all."

"See? This is why I hate this. You're trying to get inside my head."

"You're paying me to get inside your head, Jane. You can walk out any time."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"You're uncomfortable. It's understandable. So baseball. I'm a Mets fan, myself."

"Whu--hah! Seriously? At least it's not the Yankees."

"No one actually likes the Yankees. We respect them." Dr. Adler hesitated, "Well, we respect the depths of their wallets at least."

Part of Jane wanted to fist bump her psychiatrist. "I used to think having money like that made everything better."

"You don't anymore?"

"Nah..."

"Hmm. What about soccer?"

"Subject change much? Sorry, I know, you don't want to get into it on the first day. I've seen shrinks before. Um... Soccer, no, but I played it in school. Field hockey too. They don't have the same ... Beauty." Jane started to laugh.

"Why is that funny?"

"Maur-- my best friend... Um. It's..." Jane's energy fizzled and she looked at her feet. "It's why I'm here."

"Beauty or baseball?"

"Really?" she asked, incredulous, but at Dr. Adler's eyebrow lift, she sighed. "First one."

"But you're not quite ready to say it yet."

"... No."

"That's alright, Jane. You don't suddenly wake up, ready to, ah, what did you tell me?" The wry grin on Dr. Adler's face was comforting, as if by teasing Jane he was treating her like anyone else. "Dump all your personal crap on a total stranger. It's a process. You have to feel you can trust me, that I'm safe, and this place is safe. When you do, you'll feel you can tell me."

"You make it sound so... Reasonable."

"I _may_ have done this before."

"Heh. Not your first rodeo with a stubborn cop?"

"You've met my sister. Firefighters aren't much different."

"Family dinner must be a hoot."

"Mom's sent us both to our rooms. Recently." A look of chagrin crossed his face. "When two grown-ups are standing in their childhood bedrooms, with their kids and spouses howling with laughter downstairs... They may never let me forget it." With a sigh, the doctor leaned back in his chair.

"But ... It kinda sounds like your Ma loves you."

"In her way, she does. Doesn't yours?"

Jane sighed, explosively. "I can't ever tell. She always tried to get me to fit into this ... little mold. You know? Be the perfect daughter, wear a dress, do my hair. I just wanted to play sports and get dirty. Hell, being a cop? She blames me for Frankie joining up."

"I suspect your brother would have joined the army if you had first. You're a natural leader."

"God, wait'll they find out I have no idea where I'm going."

"No one really does. Our internal compasses are difficult to track." Waving one hand, he elaborated, "It's a forest for the trees problem."

"Deep."

"You're welcome. May I ask you something?"

"Isn't that your job?"

"My job is to listen and help you understand what you're feeling."

"Oh. Uh, yeah, ask away."

"Why did you pick me? There are thousands of psychiatrists in Boston, hundreds who specialize in post traumatic stress. But you didn't pick any of the department shrinks. You got signed off by them two years ago, twice, anyway. You're as crazy as anyone else."

Jane chewed the inside of her mouth, unwilling to face that truth any more than the others. "I'm ... I'm not ready to answer that."

"Alright."

"That's it?"

"It answered my question."

"What? How?!"

"When you don't answer directly, it tells me that who I am factors into the reason you're here. You gave me permission to read all your old case notes, so I can make an education guess-- that's funny?"

"Sorry, Maura _never_ guesses."

"Maura. Dr. Maura Isles?"

"Yeah... You're totally going to write that down, aren't you?"0

"I don't think I have to, do you?"

"How come you don't take notes?" grumbled Jane.

"Too many people read upside down. The purpose is to help me understand you. After you leave, I'll write down my thoughts, what stuck out the most. Also what didn't."

"Huh. Makes sense."

"Speaking of after we're done, we have just under ten minutes left. Is there anything you want to ask me?"

Jane picked at the lint on her knee, "How come you have two first names, Dr. Arthur Franks Adler?"

The doctor laughed. "Arthur is for my grandfather, Franks was my mother's maiden name, and according to family lore was because people at Ellis Island were overworked and not as pedantic as Maura."

"It's not short for Frankenstein, is it?"

"You found me out. I'm a mad scientist."

Maybe this would work.

* * *

**Fourth Session**

"After that, I told Maura the whole speed dating thing was terrible, and could we go for drinks, just us. That was a hell of a lot more fun. I told her all about the time Korsak tried to slide down a pole in a firehouse, got his coat caught and dangled for almost twenty minutes 'cause we were all laughing." She sighed, pleased with the memory of both a dangling Korsak and drinks with Maura.

Dr. Adler was quiet for a while, looking at Jane carefully. "Let's go back to the speed dating. Tell me something about the lawyer."

"God, really?" Jane rolled her eyes. "Okay, fine, the blond idiot. Kinda looked like Garrett Fairfield, Maura's ex-rich-asshole boyfriend, I arrested him for killing his half-brother. Garrett, not the lawyer. I forget his name. No way could I date a guy who looked like that. Maura agreed."

"And he was the most memorable date?"

"Does Maura count?" When Dr. Adler shook his head, Jane sighed. "Yes."

"You didn't want to go."

"I really hate it when you don't _ask_ the question," bitched Jane. "No. Yes. No... Augh!" She covered her face with her hands. The doctor waited patiently. "I gave Maura crap about the yes/no thing once."

"Why did you go if you didn't want to?"

Jane groaned into her hands, and the silence filled the room. Obviously Dr. Adler was going to wait her out. "Do we have to?"

"Of course not, Jane. You can talk about whatever you want."

Taking her hands away from her face, Jane slumped on the couch. The next twenty minutes passed in silence. "Same time next week?"

"Same time," agreed Dr. Adler, pulling out his laptop to write his notes as Jane left.

* * *

**Seventh Session**

"I hate you, you arrogant asshole!" screamed Jane. She could feel the veins on her neck standing out. "You think you're so damn smart, in your little chair, with your stupid degrees. You don't just magically know everything!" Dr. Arthur Adler just sat there, in the damn chair, looking up at Jane. She kept screaming at him, stupid things that didn't matter, until finally she ran out of foul words and just stood there, panting.

"Feel better?"

"No," snapped Jane, but she sat down on the couch again. "I guess that's a trigger, huh?"

Arching his eyebrows, Dr. Adler dryly replied, "You think?"

"I don't like talking about Hoyt. And it's not ... it's not related." The doctor snorted. "Did you just snort at me? Seriously? That's ... that's bad doctoring."

"You were willing to let him kill you."

"I said I don't want to talk about Hoyt."

But he pressed on. "But then you realized he was going to kill Maura."

"Shut up!"

"And you stopped him."

Jane blindly grabbed the kleenex box and hurled it against the wall, "Stop picking at it!"

As if nothing had happened, he continued. "And with Marino, you shot yourself to save your brother." Jane stopped and stared at her doctor. "You sacrifice yourself, and your self, your essence, for others."

Sweat was trickling down her face and Jane shook her head mutely. This time Dr. Adler let it ride. "Fuck you," snarled Jane.

"What's the same between Maura and Frank Jr?"

She was still so angry, it took a while for her to calm down and process the question. "I love them. They're family. I'd do the same for Korsak."

"You were willing to blow the case on Hoyt to save Korsak," he pointed out.

"There? See, it's not just Maura."

"I didn't say it was."

Curling up her lips in a sneer, Jane growled, "Then what the crap?"

"It's a pattern," he explained, but left it at that.

Shitty doctor. "It is not! And I told you, that's not what I need to talk about!" When Dr. Adler arched an eyebrow, she barreled on. "God, I'm totally self-aware enough to know I have a ... A sacrifice thing." His eyebrows twitched and Jane rolled her eyes. "Oh shut up. I'm a good cop because of it. Because I know how to put someone else in front of myself."

"Exactly," nodded Dr. Adler, seemingly pleased that Jane had followed along.

She stared at him, bewildered for a long time. Then she blinked and slumped in the comfort of the couch. "Oh." The doctor got up and collected the kleenex, bringing it back over for Jane, who suddenly had a need to blow her nose. "It is kind of about ... putting me first," she admitted.

"Yes," agreed the doctor, calmly. "It's against your nature, though, and this will be harder."

Now it was Jane who snorted, "Hoyt was easy?"

"You'll see," sighed the doctor, and he leaned forward in his chair. "Now. When was the last time you did something, just for yourself?"


	2. Autumn

**Fourteenth Session**

"How do you know, though?" she sighed, despondently.

"Faith, hope and trust, usually. Three is a magic number," he replied.

This time they were outside, sitting in his backyard, looking out over the park. "Are you quoting Schoolhouse Rock?"

"That's 'Faith and hope and charity.' But yes. My younger daughter is fascinated with it, so we've been watching the DVDs."

Jane nodded and watch the hummingbirds come to the feeder. "Doesn't help, though. I don't have any faith, or hope, or trust that this is gonna go well," she sighed. "I don't even know if I'm-- whatever I am."

Nodding slowly, Dr. Adler asked, "What do you know?"

"I know I keep having sex dreams about my coworker," Jane said, so morosely, it was almost funny.

"Sometimes a sex dream is just a sex dream, Jane. We all have them, even when we're in perfectly satisfying relationships."

"Yeah but ... you don't have 'em about women, right?"

The doctor cocked his head to the side. "Generally no."

"Right, and I ... uh, self-identify as heterosexual. So me having sex dreams about a woman?"

"A woman's sexuality is more fluid than a man's, but is that true?" When Jane looked at him, uncomprehendingly, Dr. Adler continued. "Do you actually _identify_ as heterosexual, or is it just what you assume you must be, given your gender?"

Jane's jaw worked in silence for a long time. "Shit." She looked from the doctor back to the garden. "I get called dyke a lot."

"Does it bother you?"

"No," she said so quickly that the honesty of it rocked her.

"Would it bother you if it were true?"

After a moment, Jane shook her head, "I don't think so. The name calling, I mean, that's just what it is." She shrugged, "It'd be harder with my Ma. She wants me to get married and pop out little Rizzolis."

"Jane First," said the doctor, firmly.

Chagrined, Jane repeated herself, "I don't think name calling would bother me. If it's true, then it's true." She sighed. "How do you know it's true?"

"There's no one right answer, Jane."

"Thanks, you're useless."

"You're welcome. Think about your last sexual experience with men."

"Ugh, do I have to? The ... It was a mistake."

"When's the last time you didn't have regrets after sleeping with men?" Jane said nothing, and Dr. Adler went on. "It's not a sure thing, Jane, it's one of many little cues. You have to think about your encounters with men and women. Who would you rather spend time with?" When Jane still didn't answer, he sighed and went on. "We all need connections with other people, to feel loved by someone who has no biological requirement, like a parent, to adore us and want to put us first."

"Yeah," Jane said softly, looking anywhere else.

"When you dated Casey, or Dean, did you feel that sort of connection? That their love was for you? Not just what you represented as a woman or a police officer, but that they saw you, Jane Rizzoli, and wanted to cherish that? Respect it?"

Shaking her head, Jane started to rub the scars on her palms. "No."

"Have you ever felt that someone cared for you like that?"

Now her voice was practically a whisper. "Yes..."

Gently, Dr. Adler asked, "Who?"

The name sat on her tongue, burning a hole there, just like it had burned her heart. "Maura."

"And do you feel the same way towards her?"

Jane nodded. "Am I gay?" she asked, her voice harsh with held back tears of fear.

The Kleenex box was pressed into her hands. "Forget the label, Jane," urged Dr. Adler. "What do you want?"

"Maura," she repeated, and blew her nose. "I want... Her to be happy, and safe. And love. And... I want that to be with me."

When her doctor was silent for a while, she dared a glance up and found him smiling, as if they'd made real progress. "Then let's get you to a place where you can tell her."

* * *

**Twentieth Session (with guests)**

"Ms. Rizzoli, it's nice to finally meet you," smiled the doctor, extending his hand towards Jane's mother.

"Angela," insisted the rough voiced matron. "And..it's nice to meet you, Dr. Adler."

Jane fidgeted behind her mother, nodding at her doctor, before ushering Angela to the couch. "Hey, Doc."

"Janie, that's no way to talk to a professional," admonished Angela.

Jane rolled her eyes and looked at Dr. Adler. "See?"

"Quite. Angela, it's alright. Jane's allowed to call me Doc, or Adler, or even Arthur, as she feels comfortable." He smiled, disarmingly, at Angela and gestured, "Please, sit down."

The two Rizzolis eyed each other speculatively before sitting on opposite ends of the couch. "Thanks for ... letting me do this, Dr. Adler," Jane sighed. She caught glimpse of a Kleenex box in a corner, near where she'd thrown it weeks before, and smiled.

"You're welcome. Have you told your-- hmm, no. _Angela_ , what did Jane tell you?"

Surprised, Angela blurted, "You're not gonna ask her how she feels?"

Dr. Adler shook his head. "I'm already aware how Jane feels. How you feel is a matter to discuss a little later."

The 'oh' was soft and confused. "Janie didn't tell me much. Just that she's been seeing you about stuff." Angela eyed her daughter carefully. "And that it was her idea, not something she was ordered to do."

Nodding, Dr. Adler leaned back and laced his fingers together. "That's all correct." His eyes flicked to Jane in what she now knew to be silent admonishment of using the term 'stuff' to describe her therapy.

"Come on," groaned Jane. "It's hard to explain big concepts."

"You know where to start," he pointed out.

Jane nodded and looked at her hands for a moment. "Ma, have you ever had stuff in your head that was so big you couldn't really see it, and it scared you, but you knew it was right, if you could only understand it?" When her mother didn't answer right away, Jane dared to glance.

Surprisingly (or perhaps not), an expression of deep understanding covered her mother's face. As if Angela too had been at that sort of crossroads. "I... Yes. Honey, everyone feels that way sometimes." Angela looked at Dr. Adler for confirmation and he nodded ever so slightly. "You can always talk to me about that stuff..."

Jane's lips quirked into a smile when her mother used the word 'stuff' and she shot Arthur a 'so there' look, to which he did not respond. "I want to, Ma, but ... it's big and scary and no, I'm not pregnant," she added, quickly.

Angela snorted, "I knew that."

"Um. Okay, Jane First. Right." Jane took a deep breath. "Ma, you love me, right?"

"Of course!" No hesitation. That felt good.

"And you'd love me if I never got married, right?"

Now there was a pause and Jane felt her gut tighten. "Janie... I want you to be happy. I want you to be loved, and... I want you to be _with_ someone. It's not good to be alone all the time. But. I can understand if you didn't want to get married."

Jane blinked. "Really?"

"Oh, honey, look at me and your father! Everyone said that would last forever, and now I'm alone and he's with that hussy!" With an explosive sigh, Angela slumped and shook her head, looking like Jane. "If you and some guy want to live together and not get married, well, Carla Talucci can shut it. You're still my baby."

Twisting her hands, Jane started to rub her scars until Dr. Adler discretely made a 'hm' noise. "About babies..."

"Sweetie, I love you more than life itself, but I swear to God, if you give me a granddaughter out of wedlock..." 

Somehow, Angela's adamant stance on marriage when it came to babies felt like a relief. Her mother was still her mother. "I don't want to have kids, ma."

Angela sighed again. "I hate that you're a cop, Janie."

"What? Ma! It's not that!"

"What? You think it's not cause you see people die all the time, and you think you can't bear it if it's your own baby?" Angela's voice caught. "Every time I hear that a police officer was shot, I think about you and Frankie Jr. ... And ... it's worse with you and your brother."

"How did you ever let us go, Ma?" whispered Jane, touching on her own fears of her potential children.

Surprisingly, Angela laughed. "With you? I didn't have a choice. Soon as you could walk, you were off on your own path. Always so determined." It was with fondness that Angela reached over to touch Jane's knee. "Your brothers, the neighbor kids, they'd tease you, and you never backed down, you just did what you wanted. I was always so proud of you. I wish I'd been that brave."

Well that was one way to rock Jane's world. "How come its so hard to do that now?" she asked, semi-rhetorically.

Dr. Adler opened his mouth to reply, but Angela beat him to it. "It gets harder when you get older, honey. We get used to doing things and forget."

With a shrug, Dr. Adler remained silent. He seemed content to let Angela do his job. "Why am I paying you again?" Jane shot, in undertone, at him. "Ma, I'm ... I'm here cause I'm trying to do what I want and ... I'm scared."

Now Angela was surprised, and she grabbed for Jane's near hand, squeezing it with maternal love. "I'm right here, you don't have to be scared."

Squeezing the hand back, Jane tried to swallow in a dry mouth. "What if it's not with a guy, Ma?"

"What's not?" asked Angela, abruptly confused.

"You want me to be happy, and with someone. What if the someone isn't a guy?"

"Honey, a lot of best friends live together. I was thinking about moving in with Carla, but she doesn't want to leave her house, and it's too big--"

"Ma! Not like... Laverne and Shirley. I mean like ... Like ..."

"Will and Grace?" suggested Angela.

"No, like ... Like Modern Family!"

Angela blinked a few times. "Like Ellen?" Her voice was a whisper, but she never let go of Jane's hand, not even when Jane nodded. Mother and daughter stared at their joined hands and Angela snorted, "Why aren't there more lesbians on TV? Oh! I know, like Callie and Arizona! You could still get married and have a baby!"

It was, to put it mildly, not the reaction Jane had expected. "No babies, Ma! I don't want one. Or two, or any."

"You say that now--" started Angela, but now, finally, Dr. Adler cut in.

"Angela, I believe Jane feels the information she's revealed deserves a little more recognition." 

When Angela looked confused, Jane explained, "He means ... Ma, are you sure you're okay with this? I mean, that I might be ... gay?"

Angela squeezed Jane's hands. "Did I ever tell you I dropped Frankie on his head when he was a baby?"

"What? No!"

"I put him in his little bouncy chair, but I didn't buckle him. I went to get his food, looked back and he was on the floor, crying, with a dent in his head." Angela shuddered in memory. "I left you at Carla's and took him to the ER."

Jane made a private note to tease Frankie about that. In private. "But he's okay, Ma."

"We didn't know he would be. There was always a chance he'd be ... Disabled. And I promised, no matter what, I would love him however he turned out. He was my baby," she gave Jane's hand a squeeze at this point. "You, Jane, are always going to be my baby too. And no matter what, I'm gonna love you. You understand?" 

"I think so, Ma."


	3. Winter

**Twenty-Seventh Session**

"Now Ma's trying to set me up with girls and guys," muttered Jane, tossing a baseball back and forth with Dr. Adler.

Catching the ball, Adler chuckled, "Well you told her you _might_ be gay."

"Stupid Giovanni. He blabbed all over at my reunion that me and Maura were a couple..." She caught the ball as it was tossed back. "I told you that, right?"

"Yes, and about how you ogled her cleavage at a gay bar."

"... I get the feeling you're trying to tell me something, doc." Jane mimed hurtling the ball at here doctor before tossing it back underhand.

"Just that the odds are in your favor that your friends and family already suspect this, and have prepared themselves." He gestured towards the outside world with the ball. "Your mother."

Jane sighed, "It's cool, but it's weird. I thought... I dunno, I thought since we're Catholic, you know?"

"It was a possibility. But you have remarkable strength of character, Jane. You draw people to you, and they find it hard to leave."

With a snort she tossed the ball back and forth a few more times. "Okay, riddle me this. How come my ... Relationships go down like the Titanic?"

"Either you do it to yourself, or they're the wrong person."

"Did you get a degree in stating the obvious, or something?"

Dr. Adler smiled, "As my older daughter would say, well duh. I'm reaffirming what you already know."

"You can lead a Jane to water," sighed Jane, holding the ball. "I draw people to me?"

"Yes."

"Seriously?"

"Look at you and Maura."

"I like this better'n looking at me and Dean."

"We'll get back to Dean. Look at how Maura willingly opened her house to you when you were terrified? And how she breaks her rules for you. You drew her to you, made her willing to change her nature, somewhat, for you. I believe you got her to drink beer and eat a spucky." 

Jane grinned and nodded, tossing the ball back. "Yeah, but I changed too. I mean, I dress nicer, I do yoga..." She trailed off and nearly missed the ball when Arthur tossed it back. "Crap. She got me a tortoise."

"Compare that to Dean," suggested Dr. Adler.

"Ew, do I have to?" They looked at each other for a minute, and finally Jane sighed and tossed the ball again. "Okay. He wanted me to change for him. Maura never really asked, she just kinda wormed in and did it."

"Did you try to change Dean? Or Casey?"

"... No."

"But you did try to change Maura."

"... I guess..."

"Why?"

"She... Well she seemed more, uh, responsive? No, that's not right. Receptive. Like it was okay to do." Jane frowned and shook the ball, "Wait, if you're trying to say Maura's already ... uh, there. Here. Whatever! If you're telling me you think Maura's good to go with gay, how come she keeps setting me up with men? I mean, Jorge, Dean, Casey... Even that baseball guy, when she gave me her dress and shoes..." When she ruined a pair of perfectly good shoes for Jane. And wore Jane's clothes. And looked damn hot. And was hit on by women, and was _pleased_ with that result. "If she wants _me_ how come she sets me up with guys?!"

"Heteronormative."

"Hetero what?"

"Heteronormative behavior. You have, for many years, expressed yourself as heterosexual. Our society is skewed towards it, so it would be a safe assumption that, if someone makes no attempt to show themselves otherwise, that they are heterosexual. It's a default setting."

"You mean I acted straight?"

"More or less."

"But of she wanted, uh, wow, me, why not try to flip me?"

"You don't get a toaster," sighed Dr. Adler.

"Funny."

"Do you remember what we talked about before? About what you wanted?"

"Uh, is this the one about how we all need someone to love us for who we are?"

"It starts there, yes."

When the doctor grew silent, Jane frowned and tried to recall the conversation. "She wants me to be happy?" A nod. "And ... She was willing to sacrifice herself for ... Me?" Another nod. "Wow." They tossed the ball a few more times, while Jane processed that. "What do I do now?"

"What do you want?"

The answer on her tongue wasn't the right one, and she knew it, "I hate it when she dates guys. I hated Garret, and Slucky, and Giovanni, and ... God, my freakin' brother." Jane stopped abruptly. "She didn't want to risk our friendship... She actually _said_ she loves me."

"And how did you feel when she said she wouldn't date your brother because she liked him, but she loved you?"

"Relieved. Like ... Like I felt when Korsak ... Like I was saved."

Jane held the ball and stared across the room at her doctor.

* * *

****

**Thirty-Fourth Session (Impromptu)**

"Hello?"

"I'm totally freaking out, Doc! I screwed everything up!"

"Jane? It's three in the morning... Hang on."

Fighting the urge to babble, Jane waited through the sounds of someone getting out of bed, closing and opening doors, and finally, only slightly more awake, asking her what had happened. "We went out, you know, totally normally, like we always do. She was complaining that her date flaked for this play, opera thing, so I said I'd go. She had this big fancy date night planned for the guy, I guess, so we had awesome seats, and she explained everything to me. All freakin' night long, she's whispering in my ear. At the intermission, she had these fancy box dinners, and we sat in this secluded spot, eating, drinking, and I just ... Blurted it out." There was no comment. "Doc?"

"Blurted what out?" he asked, a little blearily.

"That I was falling in love with her," blurted Jane again. "God, don't fall asleep!"

Dr. Adler made a soft 'huh' sound. "What did she say?"

Jane groaned, "The lights flashed, and she said we had to go back to our seats for the second half."

Again there was a little silence. "And...?"

"And what? She kept translating everything for me, explaining stuff. Then we caught taxis home."

"Alone, I presume?"

"I totally screwed up and scared her off!" complained Jane.

Muttering something like 'I doubt it.' the doctor sighed. "Jane, you dropped a bomb on her, let her process."

"I thought-- you said she liked me, liked me!"

"I said she probably did, based on your recollection of previous encounters." His doctor-speak was hindered by a yawn. "It's still new to her that you might reciprocate."

"Oh. So ... What do I do?"

Dr. Adler was quiet for a moment. "Do you need me to come over right now, Jane?" he asked, quietly, without making her feel like him coming over would be a burden on him.

The use of the word 'need' caught Jane's attention, "Want, yes... I think I can wait a couple days."

"I think I have an opening tomorrow afternoon."

"Nah, I got court."

"You went out all night with Maura the day before a court appearance?"

"Stop judging me." They both chuckled a little. "No, I think... I'm freaking out, but you're right. I should just ... Be patient." Dr. Adler made one of his little noises to indicate agreement. "Can I send her flowers?"

"Huh. So long as you can keep the card friendly and not all ... Uh, datey, yes."

Jane smirked. "Nice. Real professional there, Doc."

"It's three in the morning, Jane," whined the doctor. 

"I know, I'm sorry."

"Don't be. This is part of what you pay for, Jane."

"I know, it's just ... Thank you, Arthur."

"You're welcome. Think you can sleep?"

"I may vacuum my apartment first."

"God have mercy on your neighbors."

* * *

**Thirty-Fifth Session**

It was a repeat of their first session, as Jane sat in uncomfortable silence. Dr. Adler simply sat there, waiting, after they had exchanged the usual pleasantries. "It's not Maura," sighed Jane, finally.

"You caught a case?"

"Woman killed her husband."

"So you solved it?"

Jane shook her head. "We did, but it's messy. Turns out the husband was beating her, so if she did kill him, it may be justified and she'll get a lighter sentence."

"If?"

"She says she didn't do it. Evidence says she did."

"And by evidence you mean...?"

"Yeah. We got kind of shouty today." Jane wrapped her arms around herself and sighed. "I hate when we fight. More than I hate when me and Korsak fight."

"Do you fight with her a lot?"

"No... Not really. She frustrates me a lot less than she did two years ago. She's... I dunno, I find it awesome now. I mean, I love how smart she is, and how she can just Wikipedia or Google mouth anything at the drop of a hat. But sometimes she gets so locked in she won't look at motive, or meaning."

"Perhaps that's what drew her to you."

"Cause I'm so emotional?"

Dr. Adler leaned forward, retesting his elbows on his knees. "Maura's reserved. Guarded. Would that be right?" Jane nodded. "And you are...?"

"Volatile?"

"I was going for passionate, but that too."

"So ... Because I'm passionate I pick fights with her?"

"In part," agreed Dr. Adler. "But where Maura retreats into, ah, facts and science when confronted with the uncomfortable, like a disagreement with her best friend, you charge headlong in, with volume. I suspect your mother's the same way."

"God, you don't even know. Ma... Never mind. Okay." Jane pushed her hair out of her face, "I only fight with her about stuff that matters."

"Does the case matter more than you?"

"Oh no, not this. I know, Jane First, but this is ... my job. No, it's more than my job, it's my life. This is who I am and what I do. I love this. I can't do anything but this."

"Even at the risk of your friendship?"

Resolutely, Jane shook her head. "No. Maura wouldn't pull that crap. She knows how I feel about this."

"So you're not worried about your friendship?"

"God, no. I'm just ... I just don't like it."

"Perhaps you should try another tactic, then, when disagreeing with Maura at work."

"Yeah," grumbled Jane, agreeing. "I just can't get her to look... I know what the evidence says. It just feels wrong. Like she's not telling us something. And that's an important thing..."

Arthur rubbed his chin, where a patchy shadow of hair was growing. "Have you spoken with the departmental psychiatrist?"

Jane rolled her eyes. "She's an idiot." Then Jane grinned. "Listen, is it against rules for me to ask you to look at my case?" 

"Look at the case or the suspect?"

"Both."

Now it was the doctor's turn to lean back and think, "It might be awkward for you, if someone were to ask you how you knew me."

Waving it aside, Jane pointed out, "You were suggested to me."

"Really? I may owe my sister a favor..."

"Denise, actually. Denise Kendrick."

"Hmm. Well, if you're alright with it, the so am I."

A burden was lifted off Jane and she relaxed, "Great, but you gotta shave first."

"Everyone's a critic."

* * *

**Thirty-Sixth Session**

"Is it really almost a year?" blinked Jane.

"Four months, so we're two thirds there."

"Wow, I thought I'd give up before now."

"How do you feel?"

"Oh, now you ask." She laughed and looked above Arthur's head. "I feel okay. Actually, I feel really good."

"How's Maura?"

Jane suddenly blushed like a teenager. "Um. We talked." Her doctor only murmured a 'good,' offering no other commentary. "After the case, we went out for beers, us and the guys, and they left so it was just me and Maura, hanging out." Jane toyed with the seam of her jacket. "And I just asked her. Told her. Um, I said, if I'd made her uncomfortable, after the opera, I'd understand."

"And she said?"

"She said I didn't, it was just something she ought to take seriously." At their booth, Maura had lightly covered Jane's hand with her own as she spoke. "So I asked if she wanted to go out together, just her and me, on a date. And, um, she said yes." It was the way Dr. Adler looked at her that made Jane sigh. "Okay, there was more to it."

"I am not surprised."

"We went back to my place, to talk in kinda more private. And she asked me what brought it up. On..." As Jane faltered, Dr. Adler made an encouraging noise. "So I told her I was, am, seeing a shrink about stuff. She made the same face you do when I used 'stuff' by the way, is that a doctor thing?"

Dr. Adler smiled. "We spend a disproportionate amount of our lives looking for, and using, precise words."

"That's what she said," sighed Jane. "Anyway, I said I started seeing you about eight months ago, because I had all these thoughts and feelings and they were getting all jumbled up, and I didn't really know what it all meant. She said she was sorry she couldn't help me through that, and I had to point out she was the, uh, the reason why I was having them in the first place." At least Maura had the grace to look chagrined at that moment. "Because I was thinking, before I came to see you, Doc, that all that stuff we're supposed to find in someone else, I'd found in her, and ... And I was falling in love with you. Her!"

The doctor smiled gently. "Don't worry, I understood what you meant."

"So did she, I think, except she asked me what I meant when I said I loved her!"

"What did you say?"

"That I didn't think I'd actually been in love with anyone before, like I feel about her."

Quirking an eyebrow, Dr. Adler pointed out the obvious. "A romantic sentiment."

"You suck, did you know that?" snapped Jane, though without rancor. The smile on her doctor's face assured her that he was okay with it. "But it's true, you know? I did what you said, I looked back and thought about all the silly crushes I've had, and how I tried to make myself someone else to be with them, but ... It's natural with Maura. It's exactly ... We fit. And I just want to be happy with her, as more than just my best friend."

"Did you tell her that?"

"Yeah."

"Given you've told me about the happy ending to this conversation, I take it went well?"

"Not at first," admitted Jane, wanting to skip over the next bit, and knowing Arthur would pick at it and lay it open so they could examine what the hell Jane's brain was thinking. "She said she cared about me more than a friend, or at least she thought. She kinda doesn't have a lot of friends, so _she_ went to see a shrink too! Not you... I think?"

"No. If I'd had both of you as patients, I'd hand one of you off to someone else. Unless you were in couples counseling." Looking speculative, Dr. Adler shook his head. "Cart before the horse. She's seeing a psychiatrist as well?"

"Yeah, not because of me, she’s been seeing one for years. But apparently I'm confusing. She said if I was a guy, we'd've already had intercourse." Both Jane and Arthur made a half annoyed face. "Yeah, she talks like that. But she's right, and I told her that. I mean, I haven't really gotten to where I'm really thinking I'll get to have sex with her, but ... Um. I wanna. Oh and I said that was because of heteronormative behavior!"

"I bet she appreciated that," grinned Arthur.

"She did! She laughed and said that was how people normally look at things, and she assumed I was straight, because I didn't make a pass at her. Lots of women do, she told me."

"How did that make you feel?"

"How come you waited till thirty freakin' weeks in to start asking that one?" Jane found it impossible to not roll her eyes.

Dr. Adler shrugged. "You had to get to a place where telling me your feelings was safe, comfortable. And you did." He gestured with one hand and Jane sighed.

She did feel safe here, like it was okay to say anything, and Dr. Arthur Adler wouldn't judge her for it. Which was the point of it. Later, Jane would have to ask how come he was so much better than the shrinks she'd seen after Hoyt, and Marino, and Hoyt again. "I felt ... Jealous. Not as angry as the guys she dates, but I never met any of the girls."

"She dates women?" The non-judgmental tone carried over to questions about Maura too. This time, Jane picked up easily that he was just wondering how she verified that factoid.

"Yeah, she said she does, but she didn't often, and she didn't tell me cause..." There Jane stopped. "She knows I'm cool with gay. I mean, we worked a case, but she said there's a difference with gay over there, and gay in the bed with you." Knowing Arthur knew that Jane and Maura had, platonically, shared a bed together before, Jane continued without pause. "I told her I was okay with her being gay, or bi, or pansexual, or asexual, or anything at all, but I really hoped she was at least into-me-sexual."

That won a grin from Dr. Adler. "Well said."

Jane grinned back, but the elation quickly fell. "She said she was, and asked what i identified ... Uh. I said I didn't know, but that I knew I was in love with her." Jane swallowed. "She said she didn't want to be my experiment."

"Ah."

Oh how Jane hated that 'ah' sound. How the hell did he manage to put so many layers into that one, quiet, sound? Stupid doctor. "How the hell could I answer that one? I mean, really, isn't everyone an experiment? You don't _know_ it's gonna work out, so you take a chance and sometimes it does and sometimes, most of the time, it doesn't. But isn't it all kinda an experiment?"

"I take it you didn't tell her that?"

Jane shook her head. "Didn't think of it in time. I kind of stammered. A lot. And she got this real sad smile and said to tell her when I knew." It wasn't till Maura was at the door that Jane had found the words she'd said to Dr. Adler weeks before. "I told her I couldn't know, but I'd rather find out with her than anyone else."

Clearly Dr. Adler remembered that conversation and nodded. "And?"

"And she said she just wanted me to be sure what I wanted. So ... I told her I wanted to be happy, and loved by someone who wanted me to be happy. Who cared about me. And ... who felt about me the way I felt about you... Her. Maura." Very clearly, Jane remember Maura pressing her palm to the door, and that soft little 'oh' that she barely breathed. And Maura looked back over her shoulder, studying Jane's face with a delicate smile, almost shyly, seeing something there. Something that made her turn around and lean against the door, purse clutched to her stomach. Jane had been taken by the moment, and desperately wanted to jump up and kiss Maura, as if that could make it all better. And she told that to Dr. Adler.

Affected by the romance, the doctor smiled. "And then you asked her out?" Jane nodded, feeling the awkward grin on her face. "And she said yes?" Another nod from Jane. "So where are you taking her?"

"Saturday night, we're going to Toscano's." It wasn't super fancy, but it also wasn't a place Maura would pick on her own. And the food was awesome. "I dunno what to wear," she added, abruptly. "Oh, god, Maura usually helps me dress for dates! I'm gonna have to ask Ma!"

* * *

**Thirty-Seventh Session**

"I kissed her!" announced Jane, all but bounding into the room.

"The date went alright, I take it," Dr. Adler remarked, dryly.

"Jerk." Jane dropped into the couch and sighed, happily. "It went awesome. I picked her up, cleaned my car like you suggested, and paid for valet parking. We had a great table, private, and awesome food."

"What did you talk about?"

"Kind of the same as we used to. Except not about guys. A little work stuff, I know it's not date topics, but we work together! Then we just ... it was normal. I mean, we were us, but actually seriously flirty. When I told her she looked amazing, she got this really adorable blush and a cute smile, and ... I felt all warm." Now Jane blushed, suddenly feeling like she revealed too much.

Dr. Adler politely ignored that. "What did you wear?"

"A dress." When the doctor raised his eyebrows, Jane rolled her eyes. "I do own them. And Maura told me I looked gorgeous in it, before, so ... I mean it's that or the blue dress she got me to invade the Fairfields. The lbd seemed like a better choice." That had been the argument with her mother, who thought the blue dress was sexier. "Besides, all my pantsuits are for work. I don't have any dressy ones." And that was going to have to change.

"So your mother helped you?"

"Yeah, how weird is that? Soon as I told her it was Maura, she came over with her fancy jewelry from her mother." Most of the jewelry had been horrible inappropriate, but finally they'd decided on a bracelet and matching necklace of pearls, that Jane's grandfather had brought home from Europe, after WWII. "She likes Maura, and said if I was gonna date her, I had to not screw that up. It's ... She's never liked any of the guys I dated. Hated Casey. Always called him 'Charles.' But Maura's okay."

"Her approval feels nice?"

"Nice? Real scientific there, Art." They shared a grin. "It's _weird_. I know I said that before, but it is! All of the sudden it's like I'm really important."

"You always were, Jane."

"I know that in my head, but... Now I feel it. Because we're on the same page, I guess. It's like. We agree on the big stuff, and she gets me."

"Telling her first, and letting her see the struggle you've been having, probably helped that," he remarked.

That sounded about right, and Jane nodded. "I'll buy that."

"So dinner went well. Good."

"Oh yeah! So dinner, afterwards we took a little walk, the long way back to the car, and held hands. Didn't really talk much, just ... We just were." It was a good thing the night had been so mild. "Then I drove her home, and I could tell, I totally knew she was getting annoyed cause I _hadn't_ made a move, right? I mean, it was a pretty platonic date, same as always except that we both said it was a date. So I get to her place, walk her to the door, said I had a great night. _Then_ I kissed her." Smugly, Jane crossed her arms.

"I hope she kissed back," drawled Dr. Adler, amused.

"You bet she did. As soon as I leaned in, so did she, and ... Bam."

"Do we need to compare this to kissing Dean or Casey?"

"Not even possible," Jane stated, firmly. "You know that bit in the end of the Princess Bride? Where the grandpa's describing the ten best kisses, and how Westley and Buttercup's blew them all away?" When her doctor nodded, Jane went on. "They're gonna have to settle for second place now."

Of all things, Dr. Adler laughed. The more Jane grinned at him, the worse it got, and Jane could hardly keep from the giggles herself. Finally she decided not to, and they both were laughing. Just like tears of joy, this was clearly a case of joyful laughter. No other outlet felt appropriate. "I trust you didn't use that comparison on Maura," chuckled Arthur, finally getting his feet back under himself.

"Naw, I said goodnight, walked to my car, made sure she locked the door and went home."

"And had a voicemail when you got home?"

"A text. How did you know?"

He shrugged. "If someone kissed me like that, Jane, I'd be setting up the next date."

"It's not too needy? I always worried about that with guys, you know. How long do you wait to call and say you had a great time and want to do it again. Not that I've had a lot of _those_ ," she admitted.

"There's no set rule, but if you're happy she called, or texted, and she's happy about the date, don't worry. What did she text?"

Jane held the phone out. _Had a lovely time. This is not my follow up, Jane. It's my turn next_. "She asked me out yesterday, so I guess it's her turn to be ... the guy?"

"As it were. Did you tell your mother?"

"The next day, Ma called cause I didn't spend the night. She lives in Maura's guest house."

"Can't see the front door, I take it?"

"Pool's in the way." And thank god for small favors. "I liked kissing. It was great."

The doctor smiled, “It’s really nice to see you this happy, Jane.”

With a big sigh, Jane nodded, “It’s nice to feel happy. This is … super big happy.” She looked away for a second, “Except now I have to think about sex.”

“Then let’s talk about sex.”


	4. Spring

**Forty-Second Session**

“I keep thinking I should bring Maura here. I mean, like I did Ma.”

“You can if you want to,” Dr. Adler remarked.

“I don’t actually want to, that’s the thing. I feel like I’m supposed to.”

“Did you go with her to see her doctor?”

“No… So I shouldn't feel any pressure? Okay. That works.” Jane looked at the pictures on the wall. Per usual, Dr. Adler didn’t interrupt her when she was quiet. “It’s weird talking about sex with her.”

“Sex is a difficult topic for many people.”

Jane snorted, “No kidding. Maura doesn’t have a lot of hangups, but it’s still weird.”

“For you or for her?”

“Both. She keeps telling me that I’m over thinking all this, which is really rich coming from her.”

Dr. Adler smiled. “Do you want to have sex with her, Jane?”

“God, yes,” Jane exploded. “I really do.” Squirming in her seat a little, she added, “I’m kind of … Um. Itchy.” When Arthur didn’t say anything, she added, “It’s been a while.”

“So what’s holding you back, Jane? If you know you want to, and you know she wants to…”

“Oh, she does. She said so.”

“Then where are you?”

Jane sighed again and squirmed more. “I don’t know how it works.”

Arthur blinked, “We went over this--”

“Oh I read the books, and they were helpful, but I haven’t done it! God, it’s like being a teenager again. Was it this hard for you?”

Of course, he shook his head. “No, but then again, I’ve know I was gay for a very long time. And I never had sex with a woman, so I didn’t have to unlearn behavioral patterns.”

Jane groaned and allowed herself to slump in the couch. “I’m brave, right?”

“Yes.”

“So how come this is so scary. I mean, it’s sex. I know she likes me, I like her, and I know I want to do this. And so does she. So I should just … man up, right?”

“You’re afraid she’s into something you’d find icky.” That surprised Jane. Normally Arthur waited for her to come to her own answer before offering an opinion. But he was right. “Jane, Maura told you she wants you to be happy, didn’t she?”

“Yeah.”

“I find it highly unlikely she’ll want to do anything you’re not comfortable with in bed. It’s just like any new relationship. The first time is going to be a little awkward until you sort out what you like and don’t like with them. But no, Maura will not be pulling out dildos and handcuffs for your first time, or possible ever.”

Jane tried like hell to fight the blush creeping up her neck. “Thanks.”

“You don’t have to sleep with her if you don’t want to.”

“But I do,” shouted Jane. She stared at Arthur from her slouch. “Kiss the girl?”

“I was going to say make out like teenagers on the couch and see what happens, but sure.”

It was impossible for Jane not to smile a little at the idea of making out with Maura for hours.

* * *

**Forty-Eighth Session**

This time the silence felt good. It was quiet, comfortable, and relaxing. “Yeah,” Jane finally said, having thought about the entire question and its layers. “Things are going really well.” The goofy grin Jane had been wearing, off an on for over a month was still plastered to her face.

“That’s good, Jane.”

“God, you must be a really good poker player,” she joked.

“You’d think, but apparently I have a lot of tells.”

“That’s funny.”

“You know if you want to cancel a session, you can.”

Jane blinked at the suggestions. “You think I’m all helped out?”

And Arthur smiled, “I think that it’s up to you, Jane. You came here for a specific goal. Which I dare say we helped you achieve. Is there further benefit to coming here? Only if you want there to be.”

“See, this is why I hate this stuff.”

“Do you want to be here?”

“I … kind of do. But I don’t think I need to come every week anymore.”

That didn’t seem to surprise Arthur. “I thought you would have switched to every other week long before now, actually.”

“Well it’s the case stuff… Is it okay that I tell you about the case stuff? I mean, that case last week with the kid was rough stuff.”

The doctor sighed a little, “It was rough. It’s the kind of thing that sends me home to hug my girls. But actually that’s the sort of reason I became a psychiatrist.”

“So what? Helping me through a case giving me a nightmare is more your speed than helping me come out?”

With a waggling finger, Arthur pointed out, “You aren’t out, you’re just having a lesbian relationship. And no, helping people who live in high stress situations handle their issues is my speciality. If you’d been an accountant--”

“Ew!”

“-- then coming to terms with your sexuality would have been just as personally difficult, but perhaps less so professionally.” 

Jane grunted softly and thought about that. “It wasn’t as hard as I thought it’d be. I spent all this time worrying about how it’d change me, except really I was already changed and I just had to accept the fact that I was me. Still me. I am me. Just a me that sleeps with Maura.” She rubbed her lower lip. “I feel kind of free. And like it’s my birthday and Christmas. All the damn time.”

Smiling, Arthur nodded, “That’s a very good sign.”

“You think?” Jane grinned and looked at the window. “I think I still need to keep coming. Maybe not about the gay and sex stuff, but.” Jane sighed, “I have things in my head I can’t tell Maura. Stuff that scares me." 

“Worse than Hoyt?”

“God, I hate when you’re perceptive.” She folded her arms across her chest and looked at Arthur’s feet. “What if he has another apprentice? He almost killed Maura, and if I thought that’d hurt before, now it’d be like someone ripped my heart out.”

Again with the nodding. “So you’re pretty sure we’ll have stuff to talk about?”

“Smart ass.” But Jane smiled. She had grown to like Arthur’s teasing. “Do I get a cake in four weeks?”

“If you’d like, I can bring in cupcakes.”

“I’ll bring ‘em in. God, I wouldn’t’ve thought I’d make it a year when all this started. I didn’t think I’d last a month. And now I’m thinking this was the smartest thing I ever did. Second smartest.” When Arthur looked surprised, Jane smiled. “Telling Maura how I felt was the smartest.”

“Which you wouldn’t have done without me.”

“Oh, now who’s full of himself?” Jane laughed, “Seriously, though, yeah. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome Jane. See you in two weeks?”

“Sounds great, Doc.”  



End file.
